Random emotions within a cryptic psyche

Author: Carla Rose /






Breaking out of habits have been on the forefront for me. Habits that are part of my personality ones with layers of cushion between them. Habits I don't label as bad or good. Just habits, particularly within my brain that stem most likely from childhood happenings. I try to find amusement in the aspects of emotions, though at times it is hard. I struggle with seriousness, taking everything so earth shattering and personal. (I thank my moon in Pisces for some of this) I assume this is why it is difficult for me to be in large circles socially.Understandably. Often. Misunderstood. Times like these revisit me inside my  brain and take over with excerpts of comments heard long ago. "You passed by the skin of your teeth", that sentence echos and ricochets inside my head from my third grade teacher. I played the  dot to dot game when the state tests were administered or any form of test for that matter. I never paid attention in class, I didn't give much energy to learning. Looking back I realize some of my reactions were knee jerk responses I used as a defense mechanism. Truth is I couldn't grasp it  a t  a l l .







 I believe raising little Emily is a learning experience. I try to implement a unassuming consciousness of child like innocence as my learning deepens, some times this is easier said than done. Looking in her eyes when I am feeling challenged reminds me of my school days. I read different philosophies on parenting, I use a gentle, calm nurturing approach. I don't use one method as the "key", instead I incorporate what feels right.  She is 9 months, with a determined strong will. She wants what she wants now. From not being able to turn a page in her book, to not being able to feed herself, to repeatedly  hitting me in the face. (Aquarius with moon in sag) Her side eye balling gaze reprimands me the same way educators had towards me as a child. Yet there is this magnetizable brilliance (referenced in the picture of the lighted figure above), which keeps me coming back for more. I don't recall these experiences when raising my son 15 yrs ago. They are different. I am different.






Although navigating my way through new territory can be exciting, I find myself falling into the self sabotage mode. I think "what on Earth could she of possibly been thinking when she picked me to be her Mama"?!.... I know this thought pattern is counter productive so I quickly shift gears. I always wanted a baby girl, and when we had her my husband and I knew we would be homeschooling her. I struggle with the brutalizing thoughts of how the heck I am going to teach this little girl subjects that I fought to learn. Things like times tables, comprehension etc. etc. etc. My DNA is not programed for intellect theoretical ways of learning. Militant structured guidelines do not appeal to me or my husband.



Though...time is on my side, for now I need to keep repeating this to myself.



..




 

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Blanketed by the winds in motion, 
I sat there on the oceanic rocks as if I were flying like a still bird with no movement.
Blocking out all physical presences, as the sea salt mist hydrates my pours. Sands brush fiercely against my skin, as the Suns in and out ritual completes my quest for certainty



              

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Celebrational Friday

Author: Carla Rose /

View Image   Today there is a calling for a celebration.


A Celebration for the space where non judgment, compassion, and kinship are all present. Gratitude directed to those who serve here; and elsewhere ;) as catalysts. Who lay their genuine guided intentions on the sleeves of cyberspace with an expect nothing in return stance. 

 It IS significant to recognize the exciting arena no matter what the subject is; the vulnerabilities are taken as strengths, the forceful as weaknesses and the silence as uncertainty. Recognizing the many facets that each blogger posts, heightens the depths and reveals the true brilliance each other attains.


Would so love to hear your words~




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Sniffing the Vile

Author: Carla Rose /

Go to fullsize image If you have read my back round info, it is no secret to know I had chosen a well...um difficult path down my yellow brick road. The important note is that I have navigated myself through the forest like I know most of you have too. The various circumstances we chose to experience are all valid. Be it loosing a loved one, to perhaps battling a disorder for example. My point intended is that although our experiences may not be compared, they are all significant. These past few weeks have had me for the first time in my life releasing this one dreadful guilty feeling. This "feeling" (which I know to be an attachment) has had my arm pinned down permanently with a syringe injecting its guilt serum on demand...well... until I ripped it out with honesty, compassion, and a bit of tears then gently placed in my hands and offered them to my son. A Brief back round on this particular time in my life: When my son was 10 yrs. old I was a wreck in every shape way and form. Needless to say I realized that I couldn't take care of myself let alone a 10yr. old. Though we had joint custody, I could not manage to be the Mother I had hoped to of been for him. So I sat down with the X and communicated to him I was in a bad place and needed to get my life in order. He understood, we both cried and decided it be best Brandon (our son) moved in with him full time. The X husband has a life experience of financial freedom...(something I have always struggled with). We still have visits every weekend, or whenever with no restriction. After my transformation I lived and breathed with guilt. Comparing myself to other Moms with their teenage children. Baking cookies for them when they came home from school, sitting on his bed talking on demand..etc. All the scenarios literally made me feel liquefied in the sense of being translucent; collapsing at all physical structures is the best way I can explain it. I decided to write him a letter explaining all my guilt's, aspirations, hopes, dreams, and fears, everything I did or not do to be "there" for him and to ensure we were on the same page energetically. And then his reaction... Brandon is an introverted teen. Well liked, small circle of friends. A very cautious boy in all he does indeed. A tall strong teddy he is. Anyway..he read the letter looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes and said "Wow Mom, I never knew you felt so sad for me" I am happy.. I know you did the best for me... and I Love you Big Much, Oh and I am so proud to have you as my Mom" I thought about what he said to great lengths, and realized I had felt sad for him, when the whole time he has and is a happy, healthy, well grounded boy. It took that response for other information to penetrate my pysche.

  • I believe we create our soul agreements
  • Brandon and his Dad have a contract to experience together. The X husband only has Brandon, no other family members are living.
  • I raised him in his early years
  • He knows and feels loved
  • My past circumstances presented my X husband with opportunites to transform which otherwise may not have occured.
  • My sons inner strength and wise knowledge has spouted from my life's choices.
  • I have allowed my mind to play sneaky slithering snake tricks on me
The shackles along with this syringe has broken for this I am grateful.

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Just Being

Author: Carla Rose /

I was regretting the past and worrying about the future Suddenly I heard "My name is I AM" When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WAS. When you live in the future with its problems and worries, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WILL BE. When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here. My name is "I AM"

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