Ripened Mama

If you have read my back round info, it is no secret to know I had chosen a well...um difficult path down my yellow brick road. The important note is that I have navigated myself through the forest like I know most of you have too. The various circumstances we chose to experience are all valid. Be it loosing a loved one, to perhaps battling a disorder for example. My point intended is that although our experiences may not be compared, they are all significant. These past few weeks have had me for the first time in my life releasing this one dreadful guilty feeling. This "feeling" (which I know to be an attachment) has had my arm pinned down permanently with a syringe injecting its guilt serum on demand...well... until I ripped it out with honesty, compassion, and a bit of tears then gently placed in my hands and offered them to my son. A Brief back round on this particular time in my life: When my son was 10 yrs. old I was a wreck in every shape way and form. Needless to say I realized that I couldn't take care of myself let alone a 10yr. old. Though we had joint custody, I could not manage to be the Mother I had hoped to of been for him. So I sat down with the X and communicated to him I was in a bad place and needed to get my life in order. He understood, we both cried and decided it be best Brandon (our son) moved in with him full time. The X husband has a life experience of financial freedom...(something I have always struggled with). We still have visits every weekend, or whenever with no restriction. After my transformation I lived and breathed with guilt. Comparing myself to other Moms with their teenage children. Baking cookies for them when they came home from school, sitting on his bed talking on demand..etc. All the scenarios literally made me feel liquefied in the sense of being translucent; collapsing at all physical structures is the best way I can explain it. I decided to write him a letter explaining all my guilt's, aspirations, hopes, dreams, and fears, everything I did or not do to be "there" for him and to ensure we were on the same page energetically. And then his reaction... Brandon is an introverted teen. Well liked, small circle of friends. A very cautious boy in all he does indeed. A tall strong teddy he is. Anyway..he read the letter looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes and said "Wow Mom, I never knew you felt so sad for me" I am happy.. I know you did the best for me... and I Love you Big Much, Oh and I am so proud to have you as my Mom" I thought about what he said to great lengths, and realized I had felt sad for him, when the whole time he has and is a happy, healthy, well grounded boy. It took that response for other information to penetrate my pysche.

• I believe we create our soul agreements
• Brandon and his Dad have a contract to experience together. The X husband only has Brandon, no other family members are living.
• I raised him in his early years
• He knows and feels loved
• My past circumstances presented my X husband with opportunites to transform which otherwise may not have occured.
• My sons inner strength and wise knowledge has spouted from my life's choices.
• I have allowed my mind to play sneaky slithering snake tricks on me